Sometimes I wonder what drives people to do what they do. Things like spend more money than they have, dress inappropriately, have affairs….You get the point. I know that everyone is searching for happiness and love, and I have compassion for them, but have felt that I am happily past that part of life.
This past weekend, I was so in the mood to do something new. Tear up old carpet, paint the basement floor in the laundry room and make it an appealing space, make a new sewing table, remodel the kitchen, buy a new vehicle. All of those came to mind, and all came quickly to a halt.
If I wanted to tear up the carpet, I would need to move all the furniture. I may be mighty, but I’m a little fragile in my aging body. I would need help. So….I move on. Ugly carpet will have to stay – even though I know there is oak hardwood underneath it. I haven’t completely given up on this dream; I just need to wait till a day when I am full of energy.
The basement floor/laundry room is pretty much the same story. There’s a lot of stuff just being stored in there, and it belongs to my husband (precious fishing gear.) Not to mention moving the washer and dryer, etc. And the floor needs power washed first (my son informed me that our power washer is too powerful for me and I will hurt myself.) Lastly, the paint needs purchased. I tell myself, Oh, well. Who cares? It’s in the basement. No one ever sees it.
My husband has a “plan” for my sewing table. He is a carpenter/contractor, and he wants to make it “nice.” I’d settle for a usable table with a hole for my machine to sit down in to make the sewing surface level with the table. It is so frustrating when I am trying to quilt, and the weight of the quilt pulls down and causes short stitches or just pulls my muscles, as I try to keep it from dragging. Anyway, it is frustrating waiting for him to get in the mood or have the time or have the money. In the meantime, I pay a longarm quilter or hand quilt my work. I do enjoy quilting by hand.
The kitchen comes down to money and time for my husband to do the work. My son is working on the house he bought. We spent the fall and winter getting the inside livable, and now the outside is getting done. First things first. My remodeling will have to wait. We will be helping him get his house done before winter. I’m excited for him. I love a transformation!
And lastly, the car. I really still love my car, but buying a new car is always exciting – for a little while. At least I realize that buying a new car is just a quick fix. I’m going to enjoy not having a car payment instead!
This all sounds a little whiny. But it was something that just came over me. This feeling of dissatisfaction, of being put last, of not having my desires met, not being supported, having my hands tied. I’ll be honest and tell you that I fought with my husband about it. In summary, I told him I was tired of being told no. No, we can’t do that right now. No, I don’t want to help you do that. No, we don’t have the money for that. It just felt a lot like every time I opened my mouth I was being shut down. I told him that there’s many times I wish he was like Jim Carey in Yes Man, and he couldn’t say anything but YES!
You have to know my husband to realize my frustration even better. He buys what he wants, does what he wants to do when he wants to do it, and pretty much just lives his life for himself. He makes his dreams come true. This all is very commendable, really. I mean, that’s what all the signs and shares on Facebook tell you to do. Make your life the way you want it to be, right? (I just wish there was a little more “us” in his dreams….but, he is who he is.)
Maybe that’s my frustration. I want to do things, but my limitations stop me. I don’t think they are really “self” limiting. Most are not about insecurities or lack of confidence. I think they are just facts. If the money isn’t there, it isn’t there. If I’m not physically capable, then I can’t just pop into a phone booth and come out Super Woman. Even if I could, I’d be hard pressed to find a phone booth.
Where does that leave me? Sadly, feeling depressed and hopeless.
This morning I was looking at a Facebook page of someone who I used to know. I saw her pictures and realized that my life looks pretty good compared to hers. I realized that I have a pretty good life. I need to be grateful. Things may not be “picture” perfect. I may not have everything I want, or I may not get to do everything I dream of, but I have so much to be grateful for.
Today my husband got up, and while I was getting ready for work, he emptied the dishwasher and made me an egg. Some husbands don’t do anything around the house. Some do more. (But we’re not supposed to compare, right? Comparison is the thief of happiness. I have to keep telling myself that.)
Time to focus on gratitude. Change the perspective. Change the things I can change and accept the things I cannot. I’m not giving up on my dreams or projects. I’m just not going to let them defeat me.
Sometimes, I guess I have to sink to the bottom of the murky water to realize just how great the air and light are when I surface once more. I have hope once more!