Fear

I decided I should write today.  Write something.  Anything.  I knew I should, because I have been living with a lot of fear, and sometimes, just writing about it helps to dissolve those fear driven nerve grabbers.

It all started with a tick bite.  Yep.  I woke up, got in the shower, and I was washing and rinsing when I noticed a new mole.  A big, black thing, but as I looked closer, I noticed it had legs.  This all sounds like I was all zen about the whole thing, but the “mole” had me feeling a big panicky, and when I realized it was a tick, I went into full anxiety.

I knew there was a specific and safe way to detach a tick, but I couldn’t remember what I had read.  I grabbed my Smartphone and my glasses, and as I was standing there naked, I Googled and YouTubed how to remove it.

Well, they say not to squeeze the tick, but seriously, that thing was not letting go without a firm grip on the thing.  So I did what I had to do to get him to let go.  I then put him in a Ziplock bag in the freezer – just in case I needed to have him analyzed later.  I cleaned the wound and put a Band-Aid and salve on it.

A few days later, I started to feel really sick.  I went to the doctor where the nurse practitioner ordered a Lyme Disease blood test, and while I was at it, she threw in a cholesterol and CBC.  She also prescribed Doxycyline – just to be on the safe side.

All of this was a bit scary.  Not to mention that when I got the cholesterol screening back, it said my numbers were too high.  I eat like a rabbit, so have no idea how that happens.  (I have decided to up my cardio and have it re-checked in a few months.)  Scary!

The Lyme test came back “overall” negative, but with a few positive proteins, so I am to have it retested in a month.  Scary!

Next on the list of scary things – My youngest son has been doing Immunotherapy for his severe allergies.  It was his idea to pursue this and he has done it all himself.  I didn’t like the idea of it, but he is twenty-five, and he had to make up his own mind.

One of the things that was especially scary was that he had to take an Epi-Pen to his weekly injections.  When he told me that, it threw up a red flag, but like I said, he was determined to do this.  He loves being in the woods, running his dogs; that is his life!  So to find out he is allergic to every tree but the Sycamore and HIGHLY allergic to grass, well, that would make you desperate.

He’s been doing these injections with no major reactions or anything for a few months.  Then Tuesday of last week, he went and got one while I was at work.  I’m sitting there and get a text from him saying he is in the ER having a reaction.  I jumped up from my desk and jetted there to be with him, even though he said he didn’t need me there.  (Was he thinking I was going there for him?  I wasn’t about to not be there with him.) It was very traumatic to him, and in turn, me, as his mother, watching him swell up and knowing that as the outside of him swelled, his throat was swelling as well. There is nothing worse, as a mother, than to watch your child suffer and to not be able to do anything about it.  Scary!

Needless to say, he has decided that Immunotherapy is NOT for him!  He has been on Prednisone and Benedryl for a week to counteract the reaction, and he is not handling it well.  His heart races and he feels sick.  And I sit back and worry about him and if he is going to be okay.  Scary!

Then I had a test to make sure I didn’t have Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction.  You will have to Google that.  (I have been suffering and managing it for almost ten years, but suddenly, my nurse practitioner thought I should have this test.)  Anyway, the MRCP showed that I have an inflamed pancreas.  The doctor, a specialist in biliary studies, told me he didn’t think it was really inflamed, and he told me, “DO NOT worry about this!”  But hey, guess what I am doing – yeah, worrying about it.  Ugh.  Inflamed pancreas!  Scary!

Did you know that worriers are really born to be worriers?  So as much as I try to reprogram myself, sometimes I just fail.  The fear and the vulnerability take over and I worry!  I get scared!  And I feel so out of control.  And I don’t remember that I never did have control!  It just felt like I did, because things were going smoothly  and it was easy to be all Zen!

So I have learned to write about the things that are bothering me, and sometimes that just helps to get it out of me!

I need to do some creating in my quilting studio.  That is the best therapy.  I forget the world when I am creating, and I leave that room feeling a lot lighter.

Anyway, if you have read this far, say a prayer for my family, for my fear, and for the world.  There seems to be fear in the air right now.  And I pray for you, whomever you might be, and for the peace in the world in general.

I’m not much for religion anymore, but I am a very spiritual person.  As I wrote that last paragraph, a song from my childhood Catholicism came into my head, “Be not afraid.  I go before you always.  Come follow me.  And I will give you rest.”  Yep, that about sums it up.  Let it go.

 

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