Remembering a Dream and Finding My “Muchness”

Today I was surfing the Internet, and I saw a new magazine advertised for sale.  It was a quilting magazine.  (It’s a well known fact how much I love quilts.)  I was checking it out, as I considered if I would want to purchase it, and realized that the price was just for one issue.  There was no promise of further issues.  It was intriguing, because normally they want you to try a FREE issue or pay for a full year’s subscription.

I sat pondering this, and I wondered if they were just introducing it as a possible future subscription – like to see what kind of response they got or if they just had some great stuff, and they threw it together to make a magazine without the pressure of the promise of future great stuff.

The answer is not known, and it doesn’t really matter.  What matters is that while I was pondering this, a realization came to me!!!

About ten years ago, I came up with an idea.

Back around 2005, I was doing a lot of writing, but with nothing to really do with it.  I had sent some collections off for possible publication, and received several rejections.  In fact, I had a binder to keep track of all the rejections, so I didn’t try the same place that had already rejected me. The closest I got to publication was to have a couple of my poems published in chapbooks.  The bottom line, though, was that I really didn’t have a way to get my voice out there.  I decided that if other magazines didn’t want to publish my stuff, then maybe I would publish it myself!  I came up with the idea to start my own women’s magazine.  It was going to include poetry and essays and artwork – all geared toward women and life as a woman.  I wanted to inspire women to write and create, but mainly, to grow and to share!  I wanted to share my life, because I had realized that I was not alone in my experiences, nor was I alone in my feelings.  And since I had felt so liberated in realizing this through my writing, I wanted other women to have that opportunity.

Needless to say, I lost sight of that dream.  I can’t say that I forgot it altogether, because it has always been in the back corner of my brain where I store all those things that I once dreamed of, but know will never come to be.  It’s one of those things that takes time and money and commitment, and those are all resources that I just didn’t feel were available to me at that time.

The realization that came to me, as I pondered this quilt magazine, was that I sort of threw in the pretty, pink, fluffy towel that I had loaded all of life’s hopes and dreams onto.  I folded in the edges, picked it up and threw it far away, where I didn’t have to risk the disappointment of failure or disapproval.  It was in the land of NOs.  The place where I said no before someone else could say no.  Self-rejection is easier to take – right?

This is a reoccurring pattern.  I would rather never plan something, for fear I will be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.  I hear my mother’s voice, “Don’t get your hopes up!  I don’t want you to be disappointed.”  I spent a lifetime only doing things that were sure and secure.  Little did I know that even those things can end in disappointment.

Like most of life’s old patterns, they are like shadows, following us around, and just when we aren’t looking, they are within us again.  The sun is directly overhead and the footsteps are simultaneous with those of the shadow.  And I had stepped into the noonday sun, the shadow had disappeared, but it was still there.

Luckily, and hopefully not too late, these epiphanies and reminders came to me in the shape of advertisements for someone else’s dream.  I have remembered now that I had a dream!

Now to pursue it…..which way shall I go?  Print, blog or eMagazine?

I’m heading to the desert for a week.  I’m going to keep this in front of me while I am there.  Maybe the magic of Sedona will guide me in the direction I am meant to go.


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