Every time I see a child born, every time someone makes reference to the touching parts of motherhood, I find not just a tear welling in my eye, but a dam about to break. I am always surprised by this, as if it has never happened before. It startles me that there is still so much emotion sitting there, locked up, just waiting to surprise me like it does. All the love, joy, pain and loss of life is wrapped up here.
It is a lot like grieving the loss of a loved one. My father passed away less than two years ago, and for at least a year, someone couldn’t mention his name without my tearing up. As time has gone on, the reaction has become less outward and a little more inward. I thought maybe the pain was subsiding, but I think I was just building a stronger hold on it. Tightening the reins on those horsepower driven emotions. Acceptance has taken over.
Just when I think I am all healed up from something, I end up realizing that I am still sad, still grieving, still missing the “old days” and the purpose that they gave me. I guess maybe it is more of a mixture than I realize. Like a recipe for blueberry muffins. It’s not just blueberries, and it’s not just batter. And even though you can’t really take a blueberry muffin and scrape all the baking powder out of it, it doesn’t mean that the leavening agent is not there. It is just part of the mix. And that’s the batter of life. It’s the mixture that makes it what it is.
I have come to the realization that life could be described in such a way:
Sleeping Eating Crying Toddling Learning Wondering Walking Running Reaching Falling Dancing Singing Embracing Busting loose Loving completely Hurting deeply Anticipation Rejection Rejecting Seeking Losing Finding Surprising and being surprised Hoping Struggling Expectations Loss Love Amazement Frustration Grief Prayer Transformation Surprise Embracing Opening Changing Grieving Acceptance Anticipating Opening Changing……
It is forever revolving. Around and around.