It seems that history has a way of pulling me backward. No matter what I learn, I can live in it for a while, then the next thing I know, I am repeating history and have forgotten the lesson.
Luckily, though, I start getting little inklings that remind me that there is a better way than the way that I am doing it or the way that I am thinking or a better space than the space that I am living in.
Recently, I forgot to live in the space of love and peace that I have discovered through writing and quilting. I didn’t realize I’d forgotten it, so therefore, didn’t even remember that space existed. I only knew that I was craving something.
Naturally, I thought that my discontent was due to my marital disconnection. I felt my husband, Mike, was living in one world, and I in another. So I set out to bring us back together. As you can guess, this was disastrous. He was a happy clam, living in his world, doing what he wanted to do and going where he wanted to go. The problem, it seemed, was mine. And he was going to have no part in the ownership of it.
The little inklings were like tinkling bells in the background of my mind. Like some little fairy that lived back there was watching and trying to get my attention. And when I turned my attention in that direction, I glimpsed the truth in little hints. The first inkling was that I couldn’t expect my husband to make me happy. This revelation was quickly followed by the big voice of the ego screaming, “Why not? What are you married for if you can’t rely on him to complete your life?” This left me feeling isolated and alone, searching for someone to make me feel loved and needed.
The next inkling came while I was at work feeling a bit miserable. My boss wasn’t feeling well, so she was quiet and keeping her distance. I’d caught up on all my work, and then sat watching the clock tick away. My thoughts were overwhelming, saying things like, You can’t do this for the rest of your life. You have to find a new job. At that point, thank God, the little fairy rang her bell. I turned in her direction and she said, “Just think about your quilting.”
So I did. I took myself to my sewing room, and I imagined the blocks I’d finished and the feeling that I get as I construct each one, sewing and pressing the seams carefully, and I felt it. I felt that feeling of contentment, love, peace and freedom. It’s almost like that feeling you get when you are just starting a relationship, and you fantasize about that significant other and your eyes get all dreamy and you blush a little, as your head slightly swims in the bliss.
Suddenly that verse from the song from Peter Pan went through my head, “Think of the happiest thoughts, any happy little thought…” If you remember, the children sing this before Tinkerbell sprinkles them with Fairy Dust. Then they think of happy thoughts and they can fly!
But the loud ego voice screamed, “You’re just living in denial. You can not live there. You have to face life. Take action.”
Well, to make a long story short, Mike and I took the issue to our teacher of consciousness, where he helped us bring those inklings together. It became clear that we choose to live in that place of God’s love within us, or we choose to blame others for not giving us that feeling. As well, people try to achieve the feeling of God’s love by buying things – houses, cars, jewelry, etc. They have extramarital affairs or they fight with their spouse. All of these things can bring about a temporary fix, but nothing is as steadfast and as true and unending as feeling the love of God within us.
It is empowering to remember that I don’t have to wait around for anyone else to make me feel loved. And I don’t have to desperately search through Want Ads for the “perfect” job. No, instead, I have the power to be the love I need, and to become the person who is loved while I am doing my job – or anything else, for that matter. Love changes everything!