That Old Issue of Trust

Amazingly, we are on to winter coats and scraping windshields, when just two weeks ago, we could leave the house with no jacket at all.  But that’s life in the Midwest.  For the most part, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I mean, when those first few sprinkles of snow make their fluttery way down from heaven, I always feel that childlike thrill in my belly at the anticipation of all those wonderful things that winter brings.  Sledding, holidays and family gatherings to name a few. 

Not to say that there isn’t an old Grinch living inside me, too.  She is the one that says, “Oh yuck, time to rise fifteen minutes earlier, warm the car and wish for a garage.”  She also says things like, “It gets dark too early,” or “How are we going to afford Christmas this year?” And the most common thought that is kept under the skin that is under the skin, “I sure hope the work holds out for my husband through the winter.” 

Each year, with his contracting business, we have that fear of the dry spell.  And the dry bank account and the bills that still depend on the income of the bountiful summer.  And each year, I berate us for not saving for the winter. 

Trying to focus on the positive, I look forward to the day to day turning of the seasons, and try to trust that as we have never gone hungry before, it is obviously not meant to be part of our journey.  And then I think of all the times I have worried over the draught that never came.

Worry is just such a waste of time and comes in so many forms.  One form that I recently realized is a way of worrying is assuming.  People make assumptions when they are worried.  They are worried about what to do or about things they can’t control, so they make assumptions. 

This past weekend, a friend of mine assumed that her husband would freak out over some news she received, so in her worry about his reaction, she decided to keep the news from him.  She was going to protect him.  I advised her against it.  I told her that she should let him decide whether or not he freaked out over it.  Then she could just let go of it.  Honesty is the best policy, right?  So she told him the news, he got a little freaked out, but he calmed himself down and she realized she didn’t have to protect him and that she didn’t have to fix it all.  And more importantly my friend was released of the burden of worry – worry about the news and worry about fixing it or protecting her husband from it. 

Sometimes I wonder where worry originated.  But a lot of it I believe comes from the control factor that society imposes in order to control the people.  Realistically, worry is a form of fear.  And fear comes from a lack of trust.  It’s easier to trust yourself than it is to trust others.  At least in an outward action kind of way.  As much as my mind tells me that it is easier to trust myself than to trust my husband, because I cannot control his actions, decisions or spending, I have to remind myself that there is where it goes even deeper.  I really can’t control him, but I CAN trust that I will be able to walk through whatever his actions as my spouse might drag me through. 

So as we enter the festivities of the holidays, I’m going to try to live in trust.  Trust that my inner voice will guide me.  Trust that no matter what comes my way, I will be able to walk through it – even if it doesn’t turn out the way I think it should, and I will become a better person for it.  And over all that trust, I am going to trust that I am capable of trusting!  There’s one for ya!